Today I’m feeling fearful and anxious. I’m behaving poorly in my relationship and it’s become sort of a downward spiral at this point. I get nervous about treating my partner poorly and hold myself to an expectation of treating him very, very well (overcorrecting) during our next encounter. I always end up performing imperfectly, so my mind tells I’ve failed to meet this (unreasonable) goal and from there I think “well, here we are again, what’s there to lose?” and my bad behavior suits up and reports for duty, willing to put in overtime.
The justice advocates in my head are teaming around several theories to explain this behavior, all of which make sense but none of which come with a simple “let’s fix this right up!” band-aid. I’m beating myself up tremendously and worse, I know I’m hurting my partner who deserves none of my beratings. He has become a casualty of the war within myself.
I’m working on some sort of solution though, even if at this current time it might fall just past the awareness stage. I know my attitude sucks, and I also know I love this man. It’s one hundred percent on me to strap on my boots and get to work on this. A rewarding life does require so much work, and I love to forget that relationships are under that umbrella of “life”. I take solace in the comfort of knowing that I want this, that our union is beautiful and so premature that to not see it through to blooming would devastate me. I’m not willing to let myself sabotage this.
For what really could be the first time in my life, I’m willing to be seen in all my un-glory and sloppiness. I want to wade through the mud and get tangled in the weeds if it means I’m also getting an experience I’d never otherwise have. Intimacy has always been left wanting in my life, most often faked if not ignored completely. I don’t want anything fake, anymore. I want to expose the sides of me which are embarrassed, vulnerable, nervous, insecure, timid, challenged, sensitive, and a little out of my mind. I know that when I try to silence those parts of me, I substitute in loud behavior backed by anger, fear, and resentment.
I just made a goal list the other day, one of which was to treat my partner as if a higher power had given him to me. It’s been my experience that writing goals down increases the likelihood of their survival and success. Like putting them on paper gives them a physical space and brings them into existence.
This post is my way of amplifying that goal, telling the universe that I’m ready for it.